+ growing up (?) +

Yeah, it’s almost my birthday! May I skip telling my age? I’ve actually stopped aging at the age of 17!! When I tell strangers I’m 17, all of them has fallen for it.. :D

Anyway, other than my birthday, there is another special occasion on this very same day. Ten years ago, I met someone really special on my birthday. And whoever sent him to me, you’re the best! You brought me the most precious present I could ever have! I’m trying my best to keep this present as long as possible..

I couldn’t believe it myself that it’s been 10 years already since I first knew him and the fact that we’ve settled down together as a couple.

Honeybunny, Happy 10th anniversary to us!

Back to my own little corner..

I remember so well that when I was in Paris, other than spending my lovely moments in every little corner of my favorite city, I came across a book called ‘Turning Thirty’ and it looked pretty cool. (Yeah, I always judge a book by its cover! It works well with me though. :P) At that time I was in my very early 20s and I couldn’t figure out what is wrong with ‘turning thirty’..what is so special about ‘turning thirty’..why not 20 or 40? I bought this book! Did I say it was a novel by Mike Gayle?

It actually gave me a strange feeling (not in the negative way, though). I mean back then I always thought novels written by male writers were actually not fun to read at all, so I never got to read any. I only read chick lits. Something like Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsella along with other books by her and most of other ones by Jane Green and Meg Cabot. But as I was in Paris, I wanted to try something different. I can say that I enjoyed this ‘Turning Thirty’, I finished it pretty fast. It wasn’t that hard to read, but it didn’t give enough feelings of ‘turning thirty’ - the whole point I wanted to know. I just learned a new word though - ‘Middle-Life Crisis’! I wondered if it was created for men only, as someone said this book was a lad lit. Eeww! :P

I asked my boyfriend back then as he was in his 30s (he still is now, only for about 2 more months :P) if he had a middle-life crisis at all. The answer was no, as he said he was still young..Hmm, OK! I didn’t know who else to ask at the time, so I kept it in my mind to ask myself when I was closer enough to ‘turning thirty’.

Now, as I’m approaching to that, I’m asking myself if I’m having a middle-life crisis.

I’m female.
I”m not a girl anymore.
I don’t feel like I’m a woman quite yet.

I’m married. Happily married. <– Though I don’t spend as much time with him as I always want. Meaning 24/7. :P
I’m a mom of 3. <– Someone who I never wanted to be. Sorry if it hurts anyone’s feelings..
I’m jobless. Unemployed. <– I once wanted to work so badly, but now very proud of doing nothing. <– Prefer this to having the job I hate.

I’ve got so much going on in my mind.
I don’t get to do stuff I like enough. <– Many reasons and excuses for this. :D
I’m scared. <– I can’t figure out what to do, where to go..

Life used to be so much fun, very exciting, full of freedom..

but now,

I feel like I’m caught in the middle..
I feel like I’m pursuing something I don’t know, and probably don’t want..
I feel like I’m not able to run away or hide myself..

The thing is I just found out I’m not having a middle-life crisis by the help of someone. Yay! :D

I’m still my old self - immature, childish, selfish, naughty, cheeky, crazy, lazy, silly - who doesn’t care about anything around her.

Anyway…

A Super-Duper Wonderful Birthday to you, Shieri! :D

Good moments are on their way..I know it.

+ a city girl vs life in the country +

I wonder sometimes how to live my life simply and peacefully while living in the city.

I guess the answer is your mind. If you set it on the base of simplicity and peace, you’ll feel that your life is so simple and peaceful.

^

^

I guess it is true, by theory. But practically, it is, well, hard to be possible.

Once in a while, I think of the time I was up in the Northeast at my grandma’s when I was young. The house (back then) was so cool – all wooden! People in the village had to go to the big pond with containers to get some water – to drink, to cook, to wash, to everything – from there. Life was so beautiful there, as well as at Mummy Jane’s, in England and at Hamish’s dad’s Lalecune, in France.

But I also remember how irritated I felt, not able to leave the house as often as I wanted to, especially in France, where actually there were so many things to do there. Books to read, puzzles to solve, a pool to swim (only in the summer), sports to play, small lanes to walk down, chores to do (if you want to), TVs with satellite to watch, internet to surf, etc. But as I’m totally a city girl, switching from the city to the country suddenly would give me a big shock. I need some time (to be precise, a lot of time) to get adjusted.

Anyway, I still miss the country life.
The life that is so beautiful, peaceful and so simple.
The life that needs nothing other than the happiness in your pounding heart.

One morning, I looked around this room, seeing everyone with a small spoon inside a small bowl of some boiled potato and a small cup of mung bean juice. I also had a set of my own.

If I were as little as everyone in this room, I’d definitely ignored everything in front of me, or worse, asked for a pack of crisps and a can of soda instead.

As that day I wasn’t at all little, my view had changed.

Everything in front of me was obviously more than simple!

Everything in front of me was totally interesting!

Everything in front of me was so cool!

I found myself slowly sipped the juice to feel the taste as much as possible before passing it to other parts of my body. Later on, I fed myself with a spoonful of boiled potato.

Soon, I discovered that I couldn’t believe how delicious they were! So natural and so … (which word to use now?) hmm, so … so beautiful. I was in a totally shock!

Once in a while, I wonder if I’ll get invited for the snack just like that special morning! :D

+ some kind of this and that +

I’ve already passed 3 days of 2 weeks of loneliness, without Hamish at my breakfast time. Life has been kind of empty and aimless, full of loneliness and nothingness.

Actually, it’s not that miserable, but my point is that I’m used to having him with me all day and he might need to work for a couple of hours in the evening. At the moment, he’s away from me every morning. If I’m lucky enough, he’ll be back and have lunch with me. The thing is I am not always that lucky.

I just realized recently how ridiculously and easily I get addicted to silly things and some people. I really don’t know why. Is it because I get lonely for no reason so easily and I just have to find something/someone to hold on to?

I know I am so childish in many ways. I can’t help it. But as far as I remember, someone told me I seemed to have been growing up, just the way I expressed things..

OK! I’ll keep my mind growing up.

The room-makeover thing is still going on in my mind, but nothing can get started right now, please! I am wondering how I can keep this place tidy (or at least, uncluttered) and colorful. I personally love black (& white, sometimes), but when it comes to the place where kids are around, I’d prefer bright colors - to give them some imagination and to give myself some inspiration.

I have so many projects written down in my little journal, so that I won’t forget.

• Learn how to draw
• Learn how to paint with different kinds of colors and tools
• Learn how to sew by hands
• Get my stuff organized
• Store cute stuff for scrapbooking
• Get to places I’ve never been to - in town, of course
• Print out those photos I get excited with
• Weight loss.. Come on! You need it big time, Shieri!!
• Etc.

When will I stop being stupidly lonely?!
>__<”

+ Where is That ‘Photomania’ Mood? +

It’s been quite a long while since I last took photos just for fun. The feeling is still staying strong, but I really can’t do anything now.

Hamish will be working 7 days a week soon, at least for 2 weeks. Though he has gaps between each class, I don’t see any possibility that he’ll be able to help me tidy up the whole place, which looks absolutely a tip, at all.

I don’t like a big house. It gives too much hassle when you do the cleaning.

I love a small place where I can just do everything inside comfortably.

Obviously, this small place doesn’t really suit 5 people to live in, I reckon. Each person has their own certain things to keep within this small place. And of course, there’s not enough room. Some stuff ends up on the floor. Some on the armchairs. Some on the towel rack. A lot of stuff is lying comfortably on the floor, while they actually should have been in the bin.

I don’t want to complain much, as we have to live here, probably forever. But how can it be possible to keep the place tidy? It doesn’t help at all having someone who gets things all over the floor, throws things she doesn’t like on the floor - I guess she doesn’t know what is going on in my mind - and nobody cares to pick them up.

I guess each person in the household needs to have their own space to store their own stuff. No messing about.

What is it to do the title “Where is That ‘Photomania’ Mood?”

Oh yes. A lot to do with it. I do not take photos when the place is a total tip. I don’t know why. I guess I feel so uninspired, especially when I have to stay home all day every day, not able to do anything decent at all. Once I try to tidy the place, it’ll get back to a messy room within, say, 10 minutes. I can’t do anything without someone bothering me about. It is so annoying, not able to get anything done.

I’d love to have that moment again.
The moment I happily carry a camera around.
The moment I look through the viewfinder and smile.
The moment I hear the shutter sound. So beautiful.
The moment I see something new and interesting.
The moment I walk slowly, take things slowly.

I hope I can get the chance to be a photo maniac again, before the short beach trip.
Would buying a new lens make anything different? I wonder..

• Should I restart with my Holga? I’ll be able to have 120 films developed soon - in 2 months’ time, to be precise.
• I don’t know what to get first, a Canon EF-S 55-250mm f/4-5.6 IS lens or a Fuji Instax Cheki camera.
• Fatter and Fatter me. Stop eating those crap(ssss)!
• How about a facial snapshots with the girls? Hmm.. :)

+ The Trouble Maker +

Recently, I haven’t felt like myself at all. With all the work, the responsibilities, the whatever.. They took me away from myself. I’m not happy about it at all.

This past week had been HELL. I had to go to school for 4 days (out of 5). My hard disk inside the laptop has broken and nobody could do anything with it. I lost all my valuables. I lost all my working data. I lost everything.

And as soon as I realized, the laptop got some viruses running - some from (I guess) his thumb drive, some from PetSociety on Facebook. I’m really sad about this.

I mean I’ve lost everything and now I can’t play PetSociety. How ridiculously unlucky I am! :(

I lost everything for the yearbook as well. Photos. Info. The pages I’ve done so far. Is there anyone out there as unlucky as me?

Yesterday I felt totally like shit. I knew this kind of feeling was coming to me. In the morning, I had to be at school for no absolute reason at all. Every subject, they presented by themselves. But I had to be there to do something stupid with them in English. And I already knew they weren’t going to be able to speak a single word they’ve learned! So fuckin’ true.

Now, PLEASE! I wanna get sacked! I’ll give them a chance to sack me. I mean, would you hire someone who can’t get their kids speak English properly? The hell, NO! So you guys can just phone to sack me. PLEASE!

Oh yes, another thing. Why would someone like me, who got a degree in TV broadcasting, knows fuckin’ how to deal with the paper shit, huh? You just dumped the shit on me and expected me to finish the whole lot for you. Idiots. I ain’t from God. I ain’t a genius. I AM A DUMB ASS, SO FUCK OFF!

Anyway, I finished the paper shit, to show that I’m a dumb ass but I’m smarter than they are, hmm..actually rather she is. The other day I handed in 50-point paper. Yesterday, I did the left-over paper, 1o-point one.. And I asked this bitch nicely “So, the (fucking) paper (shit) you wanted me to finish, 60 point thing, has been done, right?” THIS OLD BITCH told me “No! How on earth! 8 out of 60 points! You need to give me the other 50 point as well.”

^

^

^

At this point, I wish I just grabbed that paper back, tore it in front of her and said “DO IT YOURSELF, BITCH!”

I don’t like this feeling. Dealing with this sort of person. I want to quit. I hate this teaching job. I never want one. I hate teaching. I hate kids. I hate this person.

Well, I’ll try to be patient, but my patience is limited. If the boiling point is 100ํc, my patience on this issue has probably reached 80ํc. Only 20% left. So now, I just want to get sacked. And if I don’t get sacked and things haven’t changed, I will definitely resign.

I prefer being jobless.
I don’t need the job I hate.

Someday, soon enough, I’d shout out loud..

“I AM JOBLESS, BUT I AM THE MOST HIPPIEST AND HAPPIEST PERSON I’VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!”

I want Shieri back to me again.

Shieri, who loves smiling and laughing.
Shieri, who goes out and take photos.
Shieri, who visits the beach so often.
Shieri, who is optimistic in every way.
Shieri, who sees this world beautiful.
Shieri, who can make him smile and laugh.
Shieri, who always has time to be with herself, to do something for herself, to lead the life she lives.

I’m going to wait for her, no matter how long it will take.
I just know, she will be back.

Won’t you, Shieri?